Dear Mr. Tabby Cat,
Are you insane? Mentally challenged? Why the hell did you think it was okay to waltz into a yard obviously well-marked by two adult male dogs? Is your nose not working? Did you not smell their urine around the fenceposts? You squeezed under the fence and waltzed over to the patio like you owned the place. I tried to stop Jack but he saw you way too quickly. You didn’t see him laying there, did you? He certainly saw YOU. You stopped to spray all over my flowers you little douchebag, and in that instant he was on you like a Monkey on a Hambone. I know you tried to run, and I really thought (hoped) you’d be lucky, but I could tell by your screaming that it wasn’t to be. It happened so fast. I tried to get help for you, but you crawled away while I was in the house preparing blankets and a box. Where the hell did you go? Did you crawl off to die? Are you still suffering somewhere? Do you realize I’m pissed to hell that you put me in this situation but worried sick about you too? Where the hell are you? Did you go back to your family? Did they bring you to the vet? Are they caring for you now? Did they have to put you to sleep? Are you okay?
I’m not mad at my dog, Cat. My dog did what his instincts and training told him to do, heck what most dogs would do in this situation. And you trespassed onto his turf- which he vigorously defends from small, furred critters of all types. You were a big squirrel to him, Cat. A tabby-colored groundhog. You tempted fate. Why did you do it? Were you raised with docile dogs and that’s why you weren’t scared? Were you just a bit haughty? Did you not really care, because you are a cat and cats do whatever they please? I’m angry at you. I’m angry you weren’t more aware of your surroundings. I’m angry you were so cavalier. I’m angry you didn’t use your instincts wandering through strange territory.
I saw two of your feline pals in my front garden last night, before bed. I almost crapped a brick. Seriously cat, if you are out there somewhere, you better tell them to stay the hell away, for real. Actually, some advice: stay away from dogs of any sort, gender, or kind. It’s better to be safe then sorry. They are the Apex Predators of the domesticated animal world, Cat. I’m sorry to say, but you aren’t. Not by far.
Are you out there somewhere, Cat? I sure hope so. I hope you still have many more of your nine lives left. But please don’t be an idiot. Don’t visit my yard again, mister. Spread the word.
Sincerely,
Me
Oh no! Though I had to admit I laughed out loud when your polite letter stopped to call the cat a little douchebag! (Cats ARE douchebags, right?!)
There’s a cat that likes to hang out on our front porch right outside our GLASS door…just to torture my dogs. Well, only one is tortured (the coonhound goes NUTS which nearly makes ME crap a brick)…our grey doesn’t seem to care.
I think that cats just think that they can out run any dog. They meet a greyhound and discover how wrong they are! Sometimes fences are just not enough. It’s odd how strictly leash laws are enforced with dogs but cats can roam free.. Hope this kitty is OK and lives to warn other cats.